My search for activity and fulfillment has led me to a few new places.  These adventures are positions … positions without salaries.  Some might call these internships.

One is with the “Association Sportive pour les Aveugles de Montreal” (frequently refered to as l’ASAM)http://www.sportsaveugles.qc.ca/asam/   This is fitting for me, as I participate as a member on an almost weekly basis.  I was granted the position that was ideal to my interests and creativity.  Though there were openings to assist in general with administration, I choose a position to help develop and roll out sporting events for the group.  My title is Directeur Sportive. 

I completed my first day tandem cycling with l’ASAM and am now going to do the Tour de L’ile. 

This internship is not going to occupy too much time.  Though I do have another task.  I am working with some former colleagues from radio and others from the theatre, music and dance scene on www.curtainsup.tv  This is a website for arts in Montreal.  This will also not involve too much time, as everyone involved is doing this in their spare time.

I had started a while ago interning with Kutoto.  This is an app available online at www.kutoto.com that allows users to find qualified candidates to complete tasks they need to complete.  This app has recently appeared on the morning Global News show.  I’d like to say that this is thanks to me, but I had nothing to do with that.

I have also applied to do a continuing education graduate diploma in Applied Marketing at McGill in September.

Tha t‘s what’s new for now.  Is it enough for me?  I hope so.

I saw an expression today that made an impression on me.  It said something about appreciating what you have before you have to appreciate what you had.  This rang true because, undoubtedly, I do have to appreciate what I have.  And I have it good, despite all of my complaining, which I am not proud of.  However, I am also struck thinking about things I once had and loved and didn’t appreciate when I had them. 

Looking back on the things I appreciate once having, I am inspired to appreciate the things I have more now.  I am ashamed of the excuses I make for the things I don’t have.  Excuses provide me with no benefit.  They are what they sound like, excuses.  When you have an “excuse” this is only motivation to find another way to accomplish this task.  I think calling them reasons puts them in a better light then the name I used previously. 

I need to take the chance to rejuvenate my network of friends, as I have learned that my strong network of friends was the reason I had a lot of the happiness I once had.  However, many of my friends have moved away, and those still here are married or busy with employment or other ventures.  I feel lonely, but I should use this feeling as motivation.

Perhaps I do need a new adventure, a new life somewhere else where I am not expected to already have a strong network of friends there.  Of course, there are many things I appreciate right here.  My family, the support and activities here for people with impaired vision like mine, and the friends I do still have here.  A new adventure is only one of many ideas.  Of course new employment would rejuvenate my mind, but finding employment to fill a personal need is not likely to find a position.  It is true that I want to give back, and maybe my previous idea of being a career student isn’t as ideal as I once thought. 

I am currently pondering.  I don’t have any answers to my questions yet.  I always appreciate any input, but I acknowledge that this is a decision I have to make for myself.  Hopefully we’ll speak soon.   

There have been many instances in my life where my low blood sugar has led to many negative consequences.  I am fully aware of this, but I wish to provide some insight on why and how it feels. 

The easiest question to ask and to answer is why does this happen.  There are a number of reasons sugar can go low.  Not enough food, too much insulin, too much exercise.  The factors are numerous, but having this medical condition for most of my life, I should be able to control them better.

Clearly I could just leave my sugars high.  The side effects of high blood sugar extend far beyond a dry mouth, sweating and an unpleasant nature that I clearly have when my sugars run high for long periods.

High blood sugar is linked to numerous medical side effects.  They include possible kidney disease, heart disease, loss of limbs like toes.  However, as bad as those could be, the condition that scares me so much that I am prone to low blood sugars is vision loss and possible blindness.  Diabetes is the leading cause of blindness in adults.  I know I am “legally blind” but I have been this way all of my life.  I am so dependent on this vision that the possibility of losing this ability scares me beyond belief.

Now there are some issues that make low blood sugar more problematic for me.  First off, I cannot always feel low blood sugars coming on.  Attempting to prevent lows by taking less insulin or eating more may result in prolonged high blood sugar, and I have already stated the problems there. 

What is more, the symptoms of low blood sugar differ every time.  They may include increase sweating, shaking, lack of balance, and numerous other things.  However, when my sugar drops I am often A, unaware and B, not there.  I mean I act, but I am not in control of my actions.  Telling me that you think my sugars are low will not register with me.  I will not think of verifying my sugars myself because I am not thinking.  I seem to react best when I am told to check my blood sugars.  I am prone to follow instructions. 

More importantly, I need to find a way to prevent low blood sugars.  I am going to speak to my doctor again after I had a recent incident with very negative consequences.  I am not going to promise to change, because I can’t.  But I will state emphatically that I need change.  What is more, I apologize for all the wrongs I have caused due to low blood sugars. 

Hello once again readers. I hope we are all well today.  As you should know if you read my blog, I am once again in school.  It has not all been smooth sailing, but it is providing me with what I was looking for in returning to school.

Last night, I had to present a project with my team mates.  Though I was not as involved in constructing the project, I took a lead in preparing and organizing the presentation.  I once again felt comfortable taking a leadership role.  This was something I definitely wanted from this trip to school:  to improve my self confidence and make me feel comfortable in the type of leadership roles I desire. 

What is more, the presentation went well, and I received much thanks and approval from my team mates.  All smiles in this aspect.  Receiving approval for taking a leadership role is something I needed, so I am very gracious for this . 

However, at the same time we are nearing the closure date for contributions to the Retirement Savings Plan in order to impact this year’s income taxes.  I was preparing to make a contribution with some extra funds I have.  However, it was brought to my attention that I am not likely to live a long retirement and should enjoy the money now.  I have been aware of my lackluster medical condition for a great deal of time.  I have thought of this many times before, and have addressed it lightly with friends, saying things like, “it’s not like I plan on living a long life.” 

However, my own comic approach to this fact did not prevent it from hurting a little when it was brought to my attention.  What is more, I have been taking steps to improve my health, and feel like I can live a long healthy life. 

This brought me to once again wonder if I should make an RSP contribution.  I am fortunate enough to have funds that I do not need to spend anytime soon.  I have put the money into the bank where my retirement fund is.  However, a couple of times I went to make the call to contribute funds, I have been interrupted.  I am not a believer in anything that would cause life-adjusting interruptions, but it does feel kind of weird.  That being said, I have not decided what to do. 

Only in writing this blog did I realize something that may be obvious to others.  I should take control and make this decision for myself.  This does not mean not to ask for advice, but I had sought advice only to backup the opinion I already have.  I need to take the initiative and make this decision for myself.  Thank you blog, you opened my eyes. 

 Once again this year, February 14^th brings upon the day recognized as Valentine’s Day.  This day causes some to be very happy and others to point out how Hallmark invented this holiday and they either don’t need to be reminded of how they are single or don’t need a holiday to express their love to the one they love.  Everyone is entitled to have their own feelings towards this day and I’m not going to evaluate any of those feelings.

However, I am actually trying to embrace the holiday this year, though in a way that I don’t believe was ever intended.  A problem that I have which I have previously acknowledged is that I am not happy with myself and never seem to think I am deserving of an improvement.  Though I acknowledge that I want better, I seem to expect to be given due to the fact that others pity my situation.  Not only is this a lazy way of thinking„ it is ineffective, as others will only act in their best interest (they will only help you to the extent that helping you will help themselves).  What is more, I would like to be able to say that I earned the goods in my life myself.

I seem to have strayed from my thoughts of Valentine’s Day and how I am choosing to embrace the day.  What I am doing, and I acknowledge that this may sound selfish initially, is that I am choosing to better love myself.  This may sound bad, but for me to love myself, I have to learn to love the things I have in my life.  I love my friends, I love my family, I love my ability to be back in school and expanding my knowledge.  I love that I have never required engaging in war. 

As I take the time to love many things in my life, I will not allow this to hide the things in my life I want to change.  I still want to find a great job, a woman and a nice property.  However, the things I am missing should not lessen the value of the things I have in my life.  What is more, I acknowledge that I try hard and want to help others.  Perhaps I do deserve more good in my life.  But deserving it is not enough; I must work to get it. 

All this to say Happy Valentine’s Day.  Perhaps, as one of my friends pointed out, I shouldn’t wait another 365 days to love myself.  Despite the flaws that this day may have, that should not lessen the value of the positive things this day does.  No, we should not need an occasion to remind us to love, but that does not mean that we shouldn’t use the day to love more if we have been neglecting to do so.  I love you all.

So I have begun class and it did not get off to a smooth start.  It turns out that I am in front of a computer screen in all my classes.  I may have known this in advance if the pre-session information session had happened, but a power failure cancelled that while I was already at the school.  We are being trained on an expensive software that is on these computers, so I can’t just do the training on my laptop, which I purchased after the first class and now use to take notes (so I can read them) and I will have the class Power Point presentations (so I don’t have to keep changing eye-wear from screen to overhead screen.

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t happy after the first class.  I was also nervous that we had to work in teams, and I didn’t think anyone would want to work with someone who was basically blind.  I had gotten to class early and had talked to a few people.  That was enjoyable, but in the first class, we already started training on the software and I was missing out on the fundamentals.

I made some calls after the first class in order to receive aid.  I called the school administration and a couple of people at the Montreal Association for the Blind (MAB).  I didn’t speak to anyone initially, just a lot of voice mail boxes.  On a plus note, people got back to me quickly.  The school registered me to receive assistance and also trained me on how to use the magnification software already present on these Windows 7 computers.  This helped me a great deal and made me feel more secure about the future of this program.  Plus I have found some people who have chosen to work with me, which makes me happy.

I am going into the Association on Monday to receive additional training on using my new laptop and seeing other techniques and equipment that may help me.  I am aware and appreciate all the help I am receiving.  However, I am also aware that I need to work hard to make this work.  I acknowledge that this program (continuing education training in project management) appears to be challenging for me, but that’s no reason not to enjoy it.  Here’s hoping I remain so optimistic and that my optimism is appropriate. 

Smile.  Are you asking for a reason why?  I normally would.  I will admit to not having been the cheeriest person lately.  The disappointing truth is that not much has changed.  In fact, my circumstances are similar.  But there is a breakthrough:  I don’t care.  Yea, life may suck, but I have chosen to stop looking at things in a negative light. 

All this to say that I’m happy.  At least I’m trying to be.  I am trying to enjoy life again, not just live through it.  What’s better news is I like doing this and it’s really not so hard.  I’m taking advantage of opportunities I have now and trying to enjoy them in the moment, not after the fact, as I am used to doing.  I’m not going to wait for moments to become memories to like them.

I’m taking advantage of my ‘disability’ and returning to school in the evening thanks to a subsidy that I am given because of my vision.  I love school and am looking forward to this.  I’m hoping to learn more and engage in social circles more.  I love school and I am going to try to take advantage and make some friends this time. 

Unlike my previous education, I have more direction this time.  In fact, I have multiple directions.  My priority remains finding a solid career that I enjoy.  Therefore, I look to receive the education that will make me a more qualified candidate for the opportunities I desire.  However, part of improving career and life is expanding my social network.  I already have a great group of friends, but many have moved and my transportation makes meeting a little more difficult.  What is more, we’re all getting older and those friends who still live here don’t have the energy to go out often.

Now I don’t have a crystal ball and I can’t tell you how this is going to end.  But I’m going to take the time to enjoy that fact.  The greatest trips can often occur when your journey is not to a specific destination.  At the least, you avoid getting lost.   So here goes nothing or everything.  I’ll write to y’all again soon.  Thanks for reading.  Smile.

I have recently felt jealous of the person I used to be.  Aside from the money, the girlfriend, the success, it is my old attitude that I miss.  I used to be a spotlight slut, doing anything for attention.  This is not something to b3 proud of, but the truth is that it worked.  I was effective at getting attention, I had fun and those around me seemed to enjoy me.

Now the money, the girlfriend and the success may be gone, but I think the roots of what I loved so much are still there.  I will be returning to school, at least in the evening.  I think this is a good move for me, as I love school. 

I am not looking to erase the maturity that may have caused me to diminish my spot light smuttiness, but I even had that great attitude a few years ago when I was studying French.  There is no reason I can’t return to being happy with myself.  Some of this may involve acting as I once did a little, but I think more has to do with putting myself in the situations that bring out the best in me. 

All this to say:  “happy New Year” and “Please understand what I’m doing.”  I won’t change too much, but I will return to liking myself, and hope others do too.   

It should surprise no one that my friends are so important to me.  Despite what I may have to handle in the rest of my life, my friends are still there (with smiles on their faces and a helping hand).  And this is what makes the holiday season so special for me.

As many of my friends have moved away from home, I don’t see them as often as I’d like to.  What is more, we have gotten “older” and even though I still have many friends that live here, we don’t make ahabit of seeing each other all that often.  Blame it on the fact that so many are married, or jobs, or whatever (the reason doesn’t really matter, cause it’s nothing I can change).

I love seeing my friends and they are so important to me.  I want to see them as much as I can, and I wanted to take a moment to express my appreciation for them.  You guys all rock and I wish you a very happy and healthy 2013.

It can often be found in the modern format of text and online messaging that caps lock is used to emphasize or scream something.  It is common place to see a passage written in capital letters merely to emphasize the point that is being made.  I ACCEPT THAT.

Not only do I accept it, I encourage it.  It is a simplistic way to add emotion to print.  But I don’t think it goes far enough.  As a reader may have noted in past, I am an enthusiast of sarcasm.  In fact, a great deal of what I say is sarcastic.  However, sarcasm is not always obvious in print. 

Now I am aware that other options may not always be as easy to implement as capital letters, but there are alternative methods easier than explaining that you are speaking sarcastically (what is more, sarcasm loses emphasis if you have to explain that it is sarcasm).

What I propose is the use of italic type.  This moderation can be made to all fonts, is obvious and its kinda funny-looking font.  From now on, in texted conversation, I encourage the use of italics.  It is my hope that this will be used so frequently it will no longer require explanation.  Until that day, I will use this font and explain to people why I use this font.  Here’s hoping.  This idea could one day change the world.